BREXIT BLIND DATE: NIGEL FARAGE and ANGELA MERKEL
People from the world of politics meet for a date, with the subject of Brexit on the menu. Mmm, tasty!! We look at the chemistry . . .
Describe yourself: I’m like a warm pint of bitter beer with a foamy head, with plenty of duty free cigarettes. When things go wrong, I always blame immigrants.
Are you a leaver or a remainer? I’ve never liked Europe, which some people may think strange considering I’m a Member of the European Parliament. Obviously, as the leader of UKIP, I was well and truly blue-blooded leave, but did my bit for European harmony by marrying a German woman. Sadly, we got divorced, but there was a bonus – I got my German citizenship, which is handy when I need to get more duty-free fags.
Initial Impressions: Well, she’s German so that reminded me of my wife, but not in a romantic way. She managed to get us the best table in the restaurant, by being very firm. I liked that.
How did your date go? We didn’t have much in common, but when she showed me her collection of Euro coins, it held my attention for a while. It’s like monopoly money. If we did play monopoly together, I think she’d win, but that’s what immigrants do, they come over here and take advantage.
Table manners? She sat looking very stern, and had a tight grip. I wondered if she might show her softer side at some point. She chewed very thoroughly and methodically.
What did you talk about? Well, aside from Brexit of course, she has an interest in fashion, and made numerous oblique comments on my Savile Row jacket, which I’ve had for years now, and am very fond of. She said it made me look like a stable boy. That seemed a bit unfair. Immigrants don’t understand our British ways, you see.
Best thing about the date: She scrutinised the bill and spotted that we’d been overcharged. They charged us for 7 pints of bitter, whereas she was certain I’d only had 6.
Worst thing about the date: I took it easy on the beer. If we were to meet again, I’d throw much more back. She stuck to Liebfraumilch, which was nice to see – an immigrant drinking their own brew.
Did you go on anywhere? I took her around the corner to the Bear and Bulldog. We had a dance to some 70s rubbish. The Beatles would have been preferable.
Would you meet again: From a fiscal point of view, I found her very attractive.
Marks out of 10: 8
Describe yourself: Carefree, but also very careful, most of the time. I am a Chancellor, but will move on to other things when my reign is over.
Are you a leaver or a remainer? Of course,I would love the UK to stay in Europe. Our German car industry earns millions of Euros from that trading arrangement, so it would make sense.
Initial Impressions: Nigel has a very big, wide smile. I didn’t see very much of him – he kept going outside for a cigarette, or a ‘fag’, as he called it. I found him intriguing.
How did your date go? Nigel talked about himself a lot. And wears the Brexit referendum as a badge of honour. I’m surprised he took a German wife, considering his attitude to other nationalities. But, he talked of their divorce with more than an element of joy.
Table manners? He always asked the waiter to clear his beer glass away, which was considerate.
What did you talk about? He wears dreadful suits, so I tried to give him a few tips. He didn’t know much about Kraut rock, one of Germany’s finest exports. I tried to engage him in a talk about Eurovision. It’s an area where both our countries have common ground – we both always do very badly. He wasn’t interested.
Best thing about the date: We went to an Italian restaurant, so Nigel could have one of his traditional British favourites, pizza. He was very pleased about that.
Worst thing about the date: Nigel didn’t drink very much. In Germany, the consumption would easily be double. That was disappointing.
Did you go on anywhere? Nigel took me to a little pub around the corner where he bought me another Liebfraumilch. I swear he was trying to get me drunk. We had a dance to ‘Rivers of Babylon’ by Boney M, a German classic.
Would you meet again? Only if he were to invest in some new clothes, perhaps some lederhosen, that would be perfect.
Marks out of 10: 5. He reminded me of the Chequers deal. A nightmare.