BREXIT BLIND DATE: NIGEL FARAGE AND ANGELA MERKEL

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BREXIT BLIND DATE: NIGEL FARAGE and ANGELA MERKEL

People from the world of politics meet for a date, with the subject of Brexit on the menu. Mmm, tasty!! We look at the chemistry . . .

NIGEL:

Describe yourself:  I’m like a warm pint of bitter beer with a foamy head, with plenty of duty free cigarettes. When things go wrong, I always blame immigrants.

Are you a leaver or a remainer? I’ve never liked Europe, which some people may think strange considering I’m a Member of the European Parliament. Obviously, as the leader of UKIP, I was well and truly blue-blooded leave, but did my bit for European harmony by marrying a German woman. Sadly, we got divorced, but there was a bonus – I got my German citizenship, which is handy when I need to get more duty-free fags.

Initial Impressions: Well, she’s German so that reminded me of my wife, but not in a romantic way. She managed to get us the best table in the restaurant, by being very firm. I liked that.

How did your date go? We didn’t have much in common, but when she showed me her collection of Euro coins, it held my attention for a while. It’s like monopoly money. If we did play monopoly together, I think she’d win, but that’s what immigrants do, they come over here and take advantage.

Table manners? She sat looking very stern, and had a tight grip. I wondered if she might show her softer side at some point. She chewed very thoroughly and methodically.

What did you talk about? Well, aside from Brexit of course, she has an interest in fashion, and made numerous oblique comments on my Savile Row jacket, which I’ve had for years now, and am very fond of. She said it made me look like a stable boy. That seemed a bit unfair. Immigrants don’t understand our British ways, you see.

Best thing about the date: She scrutinised the bill and spotted that we’d been overcharged. They charged us for 7 pints of bitter, whereas she was certain I’d only had 6.

Worst thing about the date: I took it easy on the beer. If we were to meet again, I’d throw much more back. She stuck to Liebfraumilch, which was nice to see – an immigrant drinking their own brew.

Did you go on anywhere?  I took her around the corner to the Bear and Bulldog.  We had a dance to some 70s rubbish. The Beatles would have been preferable.

Would you meet again: From a fiscal point of view, I found her very attractive.

 Marks out of 10: 8

 

ANGELA:

Describe yourself: Carefree, but also very careful, most of the time. I am a Chancellor, but will move on to other things when my reign is over.

Are you a leaver or a remainer? Of course,I would love the UK to stay in Europe. Our German car industry earns millions of Euros from that trading arrangement, so it would make sense.

Initial Impressions: Nigel has a very big, wide smile. I didn’t see very much of him – he kept going outside for a cigarette, or a ‘fag’, as he called it. I found him intriguing.

How did your date go? Nigel talked about himself a lot. And wears the Brexit referendum as a badge of honour. I’m surprised he took a German wife, considering his attitude to other nationalities. But, he talked of their divorce with more than an element of joy.

Table manners? He always asked the waiter to clear his beer glass away, which was considerate.

What did you talk about? He wears dreadful suits, so I tried to give him a few tips. He didn’t know much about Kraut rock, one of Germany’s finest exports. I tried to engage him in a talk about Eurovision. It’s an area where both our countries have common ground – we both always do very badly. He wasn’t interested.

Best thing about the date: We went to an Italian restaurant, so Nigel could have one of his traditional British favourites, pizza. He was very pleased about that.

Worst thing about the date: Nigel didn’t drink very much. In Germany, the consumption would easily be double. That was disappointing.

Did you go on anywhere? Nigel took me to a little pub around the corner where he bought me another Liebfraumilch. I swear he was trying to get me drunk. We had a dance to ‘Rivers of Babylon’ by Boney M, a German classic.

Would you meet again? Only if he were to invest in some new clothes, perhaps some lederhosen, that would be perfect.

Marks out of 10: 5. He reminded me of the Chequers deal. A nightmare.

Remembrance Poem 3: One Hundred Years

The years passed
And crashed
Around our ears

The slaughter
Never stopped
It built careers

Politicians pretend
To be men of honour
To represent you

They make deals
Pursue glory
It’s nothing new

Ordinary people
Pawns on a chessboard
Sold off in a heartbeat

A khaki jacket
And a metal helmet
Means you could be dead meat

And these days
The guns are on the street
It’s good for profit

They’ve lost control
But it’s not important
To them, you’re a piece of shit

Rough sleepers
Are a growth industry
It’s a damning statistic

It doesn’t affect the margins
So, it’s easy to ignore
They can’t fix this

Violent crime
Is on the rise
We see more guns and knives

It’s a battlefield
In a modern world
Affecting so many lives

One hundred years from now
Waters will have risen
Floods will wash this planet

It’s a dark vision
We’re all doomed
That’s only realistic

Remembrance Poem 2: The Untidy Emptiness

grayscale photo of vintage radio beside stove with cooking pot

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An old, oily rag
Thrown on to a workbench
Forgotten

A brown paper bag
Crumpled into a ball
At the bottom of the waste bin

A soldier’s wife
Cleans out cupboards
The untidy emptiness

Hopes folded in half
Put in a neat pile
Next to the towels

Breakfast with the wireless
A one way conversation
A steaming kettle

A flickering light
eyelids blinking
The slow trickle of a tear

The milk is poured
Tea is served
For one, it’s a cup of despair

Knots tie themselves
Butterflies come to visit
The emptiness

A room aches
It waits for someone
Eternity hesitates

The sound of a car engine
Accelerates hearts
Then it’s gone

A trip to the coal shed
The heavy bucket swings
Her fear weighs a ton

A shopping list
Newspaper headlines
Words become blurred

The fog never lifts
A cloud provides company
And it’s black

Every day
This is how it ends
Silent souls pray

Remembrance Poem 1: Hero

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He was an ordinary man
Marching under a banner
He never knew the plan

He responded
To a call to arms
Got himself conscripted

He passed the medical
And did all the training
And waited for the call

In his uniform
He looked so dashing
Rifle under his arm

For King and Country
That was the rallying cry
As they made their journey

A trench full of dirty rain
Was the destination
As he sat on the train

He was one of many
They stood side by side
To push back tyranny

The darkest of eyes
Burned across the land
From the other side

He swallowed his fear
And sniffed the air
He knew the end might be near

Endless explosions
Brave hearts borrowed a beat
The cry of a raven

He accepted his fate
Death is always hungry
Cleared the plate

But he never truly departed
He sits on the mantelpiece
Smiling at the broken hearted

He doesn’t smoke
He gave up, just like that
Looks like he enjoys a joke

The things he saw
A long time
Don’t bother him anymore